• SumoMe

Yesterday, Donald Trump’s announcement disappointed all of America. After weeks of hyping up his “big announcement” that was supposed to change the election, he finally let everyone who waited with bated breath know what he had to say. Thank you, Mr. Trump, because we all care immensely what you have to say, and could stand the stress no longer. Unfortunately, what you said was entirely too soft for a man of your caliber and preceding reputation.

You offered the President $5 million if he would turn over his college and passport applications and records. Some are calling this extortion. Some claim you’re holding charity money hostage to advance your political agenda. I disagree.

You know what I call it? Going soft.

College and passport records, Mr. Trump? Really? You’re willing to drop $5 million on some worthless information like that? I thought you were a better businessman and negotiator than that.

You went soft because for $5 million I’d want more. The President is a pretty tall guy, and I have no proof that he’s not three elves standing each other’s shoulders. We need the border patrol records from the North Pole.

College records? Psh. Give me his Junior High records, too. I want to know if he got detention in 8th grade. If he threw food in the cafeteria, that is irreparable damage to his formative years that should not be overlooked when we go to the polls.

Let’s see the President’s library records too. I bet he’s reading all those snobby university book learnin’ socialist books. Let’s talk to his law school professors, too. I bet in 1L property he couldn’t explain the rule against perpetuity–and he wants to lead this country?

I want to get an affidavit from his barber to prove he doesn’t have antennas. Has he ever told the American people that he doesn’t have antennas? He’s a space martian pinko commie if you ask me, I don’t care what his fake birth certificate says.

For $5 million I want his grocery receipts, too. I bet that Muslim has never even eaten pork like a real American. When was the last time he got barbecue in Tennessee? Probably never.

You see, Mr. Trump, $5 million is 0.0017% of your net worth (you are so generous), and to take that sort of hit on your personal net worth merely for his college and passport records is going pretty soft. Will the results of your announcement really answer the American people’s questions? Maybe some of them, but I still have more.

Is Donald Trump a ridiculous person, or the most ridiculous person? Let’s get real in the comments below.